In Darkness
by The Rockerbabe
Summary: AU Timeline.Jude, now 21, is still dealing with the aftermath of her rape when she was 18. Her friends are all there for her, but she still feels alone. Tommy wants to help her, but will be able to get past her barriers and find a place in her heart again
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:_ This story deals with rape and its aftermath. I know this is a sensitive topic, but I have this story posted in the "Dirty Little Secret: Instant Star Fan Fiction Board" and I've recieved very positvive feedback. This story also contains two graphic sex scenes. So, please keep in mind the story rating. It is there for a reason. So, if you think you will be offended by this story, please don't read it. I'm trying to ensure my staying here in ff.n. Thank you:)_**

* * *

Disclaimer: The poem "Gretel in Darkness" doesn't belong to me, it belongs to Louise Glück. The lyrics belong to "Field of Innocence" belongs to Evanescence. And Instant Star belongs to CTV.

* * *

Gretel in Darkness

This is the world we wanted.  
All who would see us dead  
Are dead. I hear the witch's cry  
Break in the moonlight through a sheet  
Of sugar: God rewards.  
Her tongue shrivels into gas…

Now, far from women's arms  
And memory of women, in our father's hut  
We sleep, are never hungry  
Why do I not forget?  
My father bars the door, bars harm  
From this house, and it is years.

No one remember. Even you, my brother,  
Summer afternoons you look at me as though  
You meant to leave,  
As though it never happened.  
But I killed for you. I see armed firs,  
The spires of that gleaming kiln---

Nights I turn to you to hold me  
But you are not there  
Am I alone? Spies  
Hiss in the stillness, Hansel  
We are there still, and it is real, real  
That black forest, and the fire in earnest

--Louise Glück

* * *

…In Darkness  
_Chapter One_

I was sitting in the studio, watching my friends as they laughed and joked and I wondered what they thought of me now. I forced a laugh and a smile, but I had been forcing them for so long that they didn't even notice the difference anymore. I watched as Kat and Jamie shared a couple moment and felt a pang of envy. But that was my fault and I had accepted that a long time ago. I nearly jumped out of my skin as I felt a hand touch my shoulder. I whipped my head up and looked into Tommy's sad eyes.

"Sorry, Jude." He said softly.

I gave him a half-assed smile. "It's okay. What's up?"

"We wanted to know if you were ready to record your vocals." He answered.

"Ummm…sure." I stood and stretched slightly.

I approached the mic and grabbed the earphones that were resting on the music stand in front of me. I put them on and exhaled heavily. This would be my first song since my…the… in three years. It would be my first new song in three years. I wet my lips and listened to the music playing back through the earphones and waited until it was time for me to sing. When I heard my cue, I opened my mouth and the words flowed out.

I still remember the world  
From the eyes of child  
Slowly those feelings were clouded  
By what I know now  
Where has my heart gone?  
An uneven trade for the real world  
Oh I, I want to go back to  
Believing in everything  
And knowing nothing at all

I still remember the sun  
Always warm on my back  
Somehow it seems colder now  
Where has my heart gone?  
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger  
Oh I, I want to go back to  
Believing in everything

Where has my heart gone?  
An uneven trade for the real world  
Oh I, I want to go back to  
Believing in everything  
Oh where, where has my heart gone?  
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger  
Oh I, I want to go back to  
Believing in everything

I still remember…

When I stopped singing, I looked at everyone who sat around in the studio and they were all staring back at me with a mix of expressions on their face. My big boss Darius was amongst the crowd. And, of course, he had to be the first person to talk.

"Jude." He said, "The song--it's great, I love it--but, it's a little…too depressing. Your fans will want something…more upbeat."

I took the headphone from off my head and raised my eyebrows. "Upbeat? Upbeat! How the hell can I write anything upbeat! I was raped, D! What happiness can I get out of that! Damn." My voice faltered as I said 'damn'.

I threw the earphones at the Plexiglas that separated the recording booth from the mixing room and stormed out of the booth. I stomped out of the room and started down the hall when I heard Tommy's voice behind me.

"Jude! Wait, wait, honey, calm down."

I bit back a harsh laugh. Honey. He started calling me that after the rape. I think he was afraid of calling 'girl' or that he just couldn't say it anymore. Deep down, I think that his view of me changed after my rape. And it hurt me, but I hadn't told him. I stopped walking and waited for him to catch up to me. I turned around to face him and he reached out to me, to touch my face, and I carefully avoided his touch by taking his hand with mine. When I looked into his eyes, I was shocked to my core to see tears in his eyes.

"Tommy?" I asked softly, letting go of his hand and bringing my hand to his face, "What…"

"Do you blame me, Jude?" he asked, cutting me off.

"Blame you?"

"For your rape. Do you blame me for it?"

"Why would I blame you, Tommy?"

"Because I was the reason you went out into that alley…If I hadn't started a fight with you…"

I stared at him in shock. "Tommy, I would never blame you for me being raped. I am not to blame. You are not to blame…"

"Then why won't you let me touch you?" he demanded, "Why won't you let me hold you?"

"Because…" I dropped my and hand my gaze, "I'm afraid…"

"Afraid of me?" His voice broke as he got to the last word.

"Never of you, Tommy. I'm afraid of not being good enough for you."

With that confession out in the open, I turned on my heel and fled down the hallway. I didn't stop until I got to my car. I looked behind me and saw that Tommy had not followed me.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: Again, please keep in mind, (on the safe side) I'm rating this with a MA rating. There's a scene in this chapter that might be a little too graphic or inappropiate for some people, so please, read at your own discretion.**

* * *

...In Darkness

_Chapter Two_

I arrived home to my apartment to be happily greeted by Dodger, my mutt of a dog. I smiled down at him and shut the door behind me. I dropped down to my knees and grabbed him in a big-arms-wide-open hug. Dodger barked happily and knocked me down with his huge, bulky frame. He licked my face and barked some more. After a minute, I shoved him off me with a laugh.

"Good to see you too, fat ass." I told him as I got to my feet.

He grunted at me, unhappy that I called him a fat ass.

"Sorry, buddy, but I speak the truth. You're one husky puppy." I headed into the kitchen with Dodger on my heels.

I got out a bottle of beer for me, happy once more that I was over drinking age, and a treat for him. I tossed it to him and he caught it in his mouth and swallowed it.

"I see that chewing is still an inconvenience for you." I told him.

He gave me one of those dog smiles and trotted out of the room. At least one of us is happy. I went into my bedroom and crawled into my down filled bed. I replayed my conversation with Tommy over and over in my head. He thought I blamed him…all this time… And I started to cry.  
That's when I felt the familiar presence envelope me between two strong arms. Without opening my eyes, I knew that it was Spiedermen holding me. He was my sometimes room-mate/bed-mate. And when I said bedmate, I didn't mean it in a sexual manner. He held me at night as I tried to chase away my many demons. He was the only man I allowed to touch me, hold me. I couldn't explain it, but the incident somehow brought us closer together.

"What's wrong, sweetie?" he asked.

"Tommy." I sobbed, "He blamed himself for my rape. And he's upset that I won't let him touch me."

"Well, why won't you? You're almost healed."

"I know…It's just I'm afraid of freezing up or getting flashbacks…" I shuddered at the word flashback.

I had gone through three major flashbacks that left me screaming and breaking down again. Each one I had set back my recovery process. Speed pressed a light kiss against my cheek and wiped away my tears.

"Enough of this." He said gently, "What do you deserve?"

"To be loved." I sniffled.

"What else?"

"To be happy."

"And?"

"To be me again."

"That's right. Do you know why?"

"Because I deserve to be healed."

* * *

_Pain radiated through my body as my face was smashed into the brick wall of the alley behind G major. I was thrown to the ground and kicked repeatedly as my attacker tried to subdue me. I struggled to sit up, to try to run, but was stopped as I heard the cocking of a gun. When I faced my attacker, I swallowed hard as I stared down the barrel of big dark gun. The man said nothing as he descended upon me and put the gun to my temple. _

"If you try to fight, you're dead." His voice was a menacing growl.

I stopped resisting as best I could, but my instinct to fight was too strong. The man ripped my shirt open and destroyed my bra in the process. I struggled as he tried to undo my pants. He punched me in the face and I saw stars and felt the gun press harder into my temple. Before I knew it, my pants were at my ankles and he was raping me.  
Off in the distance, I heard voices talking, and I screamed for help. The man slammed my head into the pavement and my vision went blurry as blood ran into my eyes, but I still screamed. Through my hazy vision, I saw Spiedermen and the boys. Speed was charging at the man, he was unaware of the gun until the man pointed it at him and fired.  
Speed fell to the ground, gasping in pain, his eyes locked on mine. The man whipped the gun back into my face and I grabbed onto it and tried to claw it away. I heard Wally calling 9-1-1 in a panicked voice. I managed to point the gun away from me and it went off…point-blank into the face of my attacker. I flinched as blood and brain matter spattered across my face and the man fell on top of me, dead.  
I began to scream as I realized what had just happened. I started sobbing half-way through, my throat squeezing tight.

"GET HIM OFF ME! GET HIM OFF ME! GET HIM OFF ME! GET HIM OFF ME!" I screamed over and over, as my voice got higher and higher pitched, and I felt my hand let go of the gun.

I heard footsteps pounding against the pavement as the police, paramedics, and on-lookers arrived, and Wally and Kyle lifted the man's body off me. I lay on the ground, exposed, beaten, and bloody. I didn't care. I felt hollow…then it hit me. Speed! I looked around and saw Kyle holding his jacket over Speed's wound and sobbing. A coat was placed on top of me and I looked up into Tommy's face. There was such horror in his face that I looked away. I heard the EMT as she called out for the v-fib paddles; Speed was dying…  
And on the inside, I began to die…

* * *

"JUDE!" Speed's voice broke through my nightmare and pulled me back to consciousness.

"Speed!" I sobbed and through my arms around his naked torso.

"Shh, honey, Shh…it's alright." He murmured, stroking my hair, "I'm alive and you're okay. It was just a dream. It's over."

"It was real, Speed! It was real!" I sobbed, proving my point by running my fingers over the puckered scar on his otherwise flawless abdomen.

"It's history now, sweetie. I'm alive and you're okay and that is all that matters."

I listened to his voice and let it calm me down. I sighed and clung to him tighter. He kissed the top of my head and chuckled softly.

"Hey, who's your damaged hero?"

"You are." I looked him in the eyes, "I can't believe you almost died for me."

"It was a good cause." He grinned, "What's a band without its lead singer?"

I separated from him and gave him the once over.

"Do you ever get nightmares?" I asked him.

"All the time. You screaming is what woke me from mine."

I winced. "I screamed?"

"Yeah."

"Damn."

He pulled me back into his arms and maneuvered us back down, so that we were spooning. I fell asleep in his arms and dreamt of Tommy, my subconscious wanted me to deal with him even when asleep. I dreamed that we were married and I was happy. When I woke up, I had a smile on my face.  
I got out of bed and went into the adjacent bathroom. I could hear Speed singing in the shower. I grinned and casually flushed the toilet. The only signal Speed gave me that the sudden water change had any effect was that his voice went up a few octaves. I laughed and went to the sink and brushed my teeth. Speed pulled back the curtain a few inches and stuck his head out.

"Is that any way to treat your hero!"

"It is when he's using up all the hot water!" I replied through a mouthful of toothpaste.

"Hey, you could join me and we'll save on water." He retorted with a wink.

"Mmm, sorry I have a headache."

"You said that last time."

"It's a big headache."

He pouted. "You don't love me anymore."

"Not if you don't get out of my damn shower."

"Fine." He stuck his tongue out at me and disappeared back behind the curtain.

On mornings like this, I was glad to have Speed as a roommate. I went into the kitchen and found Dodger gazing mournfully at his empty bowl.

"Oh, poor baby. Haven't eaten your breakfast yet?" I grabbed the bag of dry dog food that rested beside his bowl and poured some inside.

"Why are you feeding him again?" Speed asked as he padded into the kitchen wearing my bathrobe, "I already fed him once this morning."

I glared down at Dodger, who was looking up at me with happy eyes. "You're a con artist! No wonder you're so fat! Where did you learn to do that?"

"From me." Replied Speed, drinking out of the orange juice carton.

I gave him a light punch in the stomach and he spit out the mouthful of juice all over the floor and back into the orange juice container.

"Clean that up. You're such a slob!" I gave him a wink before I walked out of the room, "And you owe me some new orange juice."

I headed back to my bedroom and a knock at my door changed my direction. I walked over to the front door and looked through the peephole. Tommy stood on the other side of the door. I sighed and unlocked the four locks that I had installed on my door and opened it.

"Hey, Jude." He said softly.

"Hey, Tommy."

"Can I come in?"

"Sure." I pulled the door open wider and allowed him entrance.

I shut the door behind him and locked it once. Tommy headed into the kitchen and was instantly knocked over by Dodger, who was happy to see him.

"What the hell are you feeding this dog!" Tommy demanded as he petted Dodger.

"Turns out he has both me and Speed feeding him."

"You just found this out?"

"Unfortunately."

When Dodger was satisfied with enough petting, he trotted out of the room. Speed smiled at Tommy from his spot against the counter and extended his hand. Tommy took it and got to his feet.

"Morning, Speed."

"What up, Quincy?"

"Nice robe."

"Thanks. Purple is my color, don't ya think?"

"Uh, sure. Could you leave for a moment?" Tommy asked, "I want to talk to Jude alone."

"Right-o." Speed left the room and disappeared into my bedroom.

"What's up, Tommy?" I asked, folding my arms across my chest.

"Look, Jude…I want to be with you." He said softly, "And I need to know if you're ready to be with me. If you're not ready, just let me know. I'll wait for you as long as it takes."

What do you deserve? To be loved. Speed and mine's mantra flashed through my mind and I closed my eyes. I did deserve to be loved. Was I ready? I had been ready a year ago. But my fear always got the best of me. I wouldn't let it this time.

"I…I think I'm ready." I said with a smile.

The relief in Tommy's eyes was almost comical. But I couldn't laugh at him for that. He smiled and I melted. I was ready for this. I needed this. I just we wouldn't get burned.


	3. Chapter 3

A Reviewer Question

From: ISobsessedXO  
_I like it, but I'm a little confused... Why are Jude and Speed like  
living and sleeping in the same bed?... just a bit confused, but it's  
good._

**Author's Answer:**_ Jude and Speed aren't officially living together. As stated, he is her sometimes room mate. Speed only shares a bed with Jude for two reasons alone. 1) Jude has a one bedroom apartment and therefore, only has one bed and 2) Being friends for as long as they have and as close as they are, Jude is okay with him sharing her bed. There is no romance between them and they turn to each other for comfort. And Speed does have his own apartment, but the constant reminder of his near-death expirience leave him wanting to be around people on his down days. So, he stays over at Jude's until he gets out of his funk. I hope that explaination helped._

* * *

...In Darkness

_Chapter Three_

* * *

Disclaimer: Lyrics to "Everything Burns" belong to Ben Moody and Anastasia

* * *

Tommy and I agreed to start off slow. We had started holding hands and hugged again. We both agreed that we could wait until the moment was right to have our first kiss. Our first obstacle was having our first date. Kat and Jamie, the romance experts, planned it to the t. He'd pick me up at my apartment. We'd go to a fancy Italian restaurant. We'd take a walk through a park. Then what happened after was up to us. Well, those two forgot one thing: How famous Tommy and I actually were.

The moment we stepped foot in the restaurant, we were swamped by fans and cameras. We fled into the parking lot and into the Viper. We skipped the park and were pursued by reporters for five blocks. We ended up back in my apartment, eating leftover Chinese food, and watching "Final Destination". Ahh, the most romantic date ever.

After we finished watching the movie, we curled up on the couch and enjoyed the silence. I listened to his steady heartbeat and absently trailed my hand up and down his arm. Tommy sighed contentedly and I smiled. After a while, we started talking. Our talk consisted of bullshit things. We had known each other for seven years now; we knew almost everything about the other. We talked about what new bands we liked, what songs were inspiring us, that kind of stuff.

Tommy left sometime around two in the morning with giving me a peck on the cheek. I went to bed, feeling restless. My mind went over everything that had happened during the evening and how every little touch had sent jolts through me. I hadn't even thought about having sex with Tommy before then (well, since my attack, at least). I had been so hesitant to hold his hand, yet I wanted to jump in the sack with him…my own head, my own body was confusing me. I sat up in bed and grabbed one of my many self-help books from my nightstand drawer.

I flipped through it and skimmed through the pages about sexual side effects after being raped. The only thing it told me was everyone was different and each experience different side effects. Some women went celibate for one to three years, if not completely, while others turned promiscuous. But when I was ready, I would know. I sighed and shut the book. It wasn't much help. I knew I'd have to talk to Tommy about what I was feeling. I knew I'd feel better when we would talk it out. But I didn't know how to go about the subject…

* * *

"So, Tommy, I wanted to talk about having sex." _There, I said it._

Tommy promptly choked on his coffee. We were sitting the studio, in the soundproof booth. He had just raised his coffee mug to his lips and took a sip when I blurted that out. I pounded on his back as he coughed and recovered.

"What!" he demanded.

"Sex. I wanted to talk about us having sex."

"Yeah, caught that. But why? I thought we were taking it slow."

"We are, but…I…was…uh, restless after you left."

After a beat, Tommy sighed. "Let's wait and see how our first kiss goes, then we'll talk about handling sex."

"Alright."

* * *

Three days later, we actually had our first kiss on the couch in my apartment. It was nice and slow. Our lips met and I was taken back to the first time I kissed him in the dressing room when I was fifteen. His arm snaked around my waist and brought me a little bit closer. Tommy's tongue touched my bottom lip and a jolt went straight through me. I allowed his tongue access and it dueled with mine, as our kiss grew more passionate.

I felt our bodies fall back onto the cushions, putting his body on top of mine…and that's when panic set in. I broke apart from him quickly and put my hands against his chest.

"T-Tommy, I-I can't. I-I'm nn-not as ready as I-I thought."

He sat up instantly and brought me with him. Once in an upright position, I felt better. I looked over at Tommy, who was staring down at his hands. I could see him loathing at himself. I put my hands on top of his and he looked over at me.

"I'm sorry." I said to him, "That was my fault. I thought I was ready. I thought I had gotten past that…"

"It wasn't your fault."

"I know, but I don't want you beating yourself up. It's uncalled for." I stood up, "C'mere."

"Why?"

"It's four in the morning and I want you to stay with me tonight."

"Are you sure?" Tommy looked slightly scared.

I smiled, trying to ease his worry. "Yes. I want to fall asleep with your arms around me."

He smiled back and stood. "That I can do."

We went into my bedroom and I changed into my pajamas in my bathroom. When I exited the room, Tommy was down to his boxers.

"Is it okay if I sleep in my boxers?" he asked.

"I prefer it, actually."

Dodger was sprawled across my bed, his huge body taking up a good portion of it. I pushed him off the bed and he grunted in irritation, but he curled up on the floor on my side of the bed. Tommy and I got comfy, getting into the spooning position. It felt nice having his presence at my back. I smiled to myself and enjoyed the warmth his body provided. I was drifting off to sleep when I heard Tommy's soft voice.

"What are we going to do about this?"

"Try and Try again." I murmured in reply before sleep engulfed me.

Within a few weeks, we had worked our way up in stages. I was fine, when we got passionate, as long as I was on top. I was okay as long as I removed my clothes. But we were still not up to the having sex stage yet…but I hoped I would be ready soon…

* * *

"Yo, babe, are you present and accounted for?"

That would be Speed. I blinked and dragged myself out of my thoughts.

"Umm, sorry, I zoned."

"That was obvious. One minute we're talking about ordering a pizza and the next you were in Italy or somewhere."

"I was thinking about sex."

"Who doesn't?"

"I was just wondering when I'd be ready to have sex with Tommy."

"I think you're ready, but you were ready to sleep with him since you were sixteen."

"Hey…" I instantly went to protest, but then thought about it for a minute, "Okay, you're right about that, but…"

"No need to say more. I know you and I can pretty much read your mind, so Jude you'll know when it's right. I think that'll it'll be soon. So don't worry your little blonde head."

"Thanks, Speed." I hugged him, "You're my human safety net."

"You're welcome. I will always be there to catch you if you fall." He replied as he hugged me back.

* * *

A few hours later, I was trapped back in the studio with Tommy. Not that I was complaining. I was finally starting to feel at home again in the studio. Tommy and I were sitting side by side on stools. I had my guitar in my hands and was strumming absently as we talked quietly. My absent strumming was actually starting to sound like it could become something. Tommy agreed with me as I voiced those thoughts.

"You should try to put some lyrics to that." He said, smiling.

"I don't have anything."

"Just sing what comes to mind." He encouraged.

"Okay. You're the musical genius."

I started the melody over again on my guitar and waited until it felt right to begin to sing.

She sits in a corner

Singing herself to sleep

Wrapped in all of the promises

That no one seems to keep

She no longer cries to herself

No tears left to wash away

Just diaries of empty pages

Feelings gone astray

But she will sing…

'Till everything burns…

I stopped playing and looked back at Tommy.

"So, what do you think?"

"Wow." He said, sounding impressed, "You're amazing."

I laughed softly. "My, Mr. Quincy, how you flatter a woman."

"You know it." He leaned over and kissed me.

I kissed him back, feeling giddy. When we broke apart, I handed him my guitar and hopped off the stool. I found a piece of scrap paper and jotted down the lyrics that I had just sung. I looked over at him as he began to strum the exact cords I had played. I smiled.

"Help me right the chorus?"

"Let's start off with 'Till everything burns.'" He said.

I nodded, pen poised at the paper.

"'Till everything burns…" I sang.

"While everyone screams." Tommy sang in reply.

"Burning…" (Me)

"Burning their lies."(Tommy)

"Burning my dreams." (Me)

"All of this hate…" (Tommy)

"And of this pain." (Me)

"I'll burn it all down." (Tommy)

"As my anger reigns." (Me)

"'Till everything burns." (Together)

I stared at him and he met my gaze. We were officially in the music zone. This was the first song we had actually sung together since…"Could Be You". Remembering that, I smiled sadly. That was so long ago…a different lifetime ago…

Tommy brought me out of my thoughts as he came into my line of vision and took me into his arms.

"Come back to me, Jude." He said softly.

"Sorry, just remembering the last time we sang together…" I replied, resting my head on his chest, "It was years ago…"

"I know." He rested his chin on top of my head, "This song will be ours. Our first real duet."

"Sounds perfect." I eased into his arms, molding myself against him.

I didn't want to ever leave the safety of his arms. But we had a song to work on and I was the first to pull away. Tommy watched me, clearly worried that he had done something wrong. I just shook my head at him and picked up the piece of paper, showing him my scribbles. He smiled and nodded, then chuckled softly, sadly.

"I'm always afraid of hurting you." He whispered.

The pain in his eyes stabbed at me. I couldn't think of anything to say, so I did the only thing I could think of. I set down the paper and hugged him close.

"I love you, Tommy. I always have. You could never hurt me."

"I love you too, Jude. You know I always have. I just don't want to loose you."

"You won't, Tommy," I promised him. "You won't."

He sighed in contentment and lifted my chin with his hand. He brought his lips to mine and kissed me gently and thoroughly. A wolf-whistle was the only thing that stopped the progression of things. We broke apart and looked to the doorway to see Speed in the doorway. He wiggled his eyebrows at us.

"Do you actually have a life?" Tommy asked him.

"Nope." He replied with a wink, "I'll leave you two to…" he walked way and trailed off chuckling.

I looked up at Tommy and he looked down at me and for the first time in a long time I laughed and meant it.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Lyrics to "Everything" Belong to Lifehouse.

* * *

WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS A GRAPHIC SEX SCENE. PLEASE READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION.

* * *

**A Few Weeks Later**

I awoke from a nightmare with a scream tearing from my throat. The two strong arms that enveloped me weren't Speed's, as I had been use to, but Tommy's. I could still feel the blood and brain matter on my face and I could still smell the fresh blood, and the lingering scent of iron was making me sick. I pulled myself out of his arms and scrambled out of bed. I ran into my bathroom and fell to my knees in front of the toilet. I dry-heaved into the bowl, having missed dinner, until tears of misery poured down my face. My mid-back length hair was pulled back and a comforting hand rubbed my back until I was finished. This is the first time I had had a nightmare since he had started spending the night.

"I need to brush my teeth." I declared, my voice harsh and choked.

Tommy let go of my hair but his hand lingered on my back as I got to my feet. I went to the sink and grabbed my toothbrush out of its holder and added my vanilla mint toothpaste to the bristles. I scrubbed at my teeth for a few minutes, and then spit out the excess toothpaste into the sink. I rinsed out the sink and put my toothbrush back in its holder. I turned back to Tommy, who was watching me through alert eyes.

"I'm sorry I woke you." I said, feeling bad that we had just gotten into bed a little less than two hours ago.

"Don't feel bad, Jude." He answered, "Don't you ever feel bad."

He walked up to me and embraced me, placing a light kiss on my lips. As I looked up into his eyes, I wondered what he thought about me. I always wondered if they (he, Kat, and the rest of them) saw me for what I really was. It was bothering me enough and I knew that if I didn't voice it soon, it would drive me crazy.

"Tommy?" I asked.

"Hmm?"

"Do you think I'm a murderer?"

"What?" his brows furrowed.

"Do you think I'm a killer?"

"Jude, that bastard was a serial rapist. You are a hero."

"I still killed him, Tommy." I replied, "I took his life."

"He took yours. You got rid of him. You made the world a better place."

"You saw his body after I shot him...did you ever once think that I was a monster?"

"Never. He was the monster. What he did to you, what he did to all of those other women...you did everyone a favor."

His words were nice, but he wasn't the one who saw the man die every night.

* * *

When I opened the door the next morning to get the newspaper, there were a few bouquets of flowers, a white angel teddy bear, and a few cards waiting for me instead. It was the anniversary of my rape and the gifts were from the other victims, thanking me for...well...quite frankly, killing our attacker. It was the one day where I didn?t feel like such a monster. I picked up the goodies and closed my apartment door with my foot.

I walked into the kitchen and put all the stuff on the table. Tommy looked over at me from his spot in front of the open refrigerator and whistled.

"What's all that?" he asked.

"Thank you's for being a murderer." I replied.

"What?" he closed the door and joined me at the table.

"Every year I get presents from the other victims. Their way of saying thank-you for getting rid of the monster."

I opened the cards and read them. They were all thank you cards that brought tears to my eyes. One in particular made me want to cry the most. One of the victims, who lived the closest to me and I had met with almost a year ago, filled me with hope. Her name was Phoebe and, thanks to me, she was finally able to commit to her long-time boyfriend. They were married a few months ago and were now expecting their first child. Whom they were going to name after me: Jude if it was a girl, Harrison if it was a boy.

To balance out the tears, I hugged the white angel teddy bear she had given me. Tommy picked up one of the cards and read it. I watched his eyes as they moved back and forth as he read the lines. Tears filled his eyes and he put the card back down.

"How...can you still think you're a monster after reading that?" he asked, "Those women are so thankful for what you did. You freed them from their hurting, their suffering, their---their fear?"

I put the teddy bear back on the table and stood up. I hugged him and rested my head on his chest.

"I don't know, Tommy. I'm still working out the guilt I have. I've dealt with my anger, the depression and yet, I still have guilt. I'm a work in progress."

"I know. And I still love you."

"Good. And you're an ex-boybander and I still you love."

He laughed. "That's a relief."

I raised myself up on my tiptoes and kissed him on the lips. When we broke apart, we looked at each other and kissed again, more passionate this time. Our tongues met and dueled and he pulled me closer, making sure there was no space between our bodies. There was no panic as his hand slid up the back of my shirt, his hands resting on the small of my back. This time when we broke apart, he searched my eyes as we panted in effort to draw in air.

"Let's try again." I whispered.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

"Yeah..." I smiled, attempting to assure him.

"If at any time you feel uncomfortable, just stop---"

"Tommy, we've been through this before. I'll stop you if I need to, but I think I am ready. I want this. I really do."

I kissed him passionately and he returned my kiss and walked us backward across my apartment and to my bedroom. Once inside, we broke the kiss and I stripped off my tank top and discarded it somewhere within my room. Tommy removed his t-shirt and tossed it. He pulled me back into his arms and kissed me thoroughly, his hands roaming across my exposed skin. I let him undo the clasp of my bra and slide it off. His mouth trailed down from my lips to my neck, where it lingered on my pulse.

I sighed as his hands cupped my breasts, his thumb thrumming over my nipple. I closed my eyes and relaxed against him. I was okay with things so far. Panic was the farthest thing from my mind. His mouth moved off my skin and looked me in the eyes. Then he knelt down in front of me and gently worked my sweatpants down my legs. I stepped out of them and kicked them away, my heart racing just a little bit faster as the edge of panic began to work its way into my mind. Tommy rested his forehead against my stomach and I entangled my fingers into his hair.

A slight laugh escaped my throat as his lips grazed the sensitive skin of my stomach, his breath tickling me. He looked up at me and flashed me a smile. He had realized my panic had set in and distracted me from it. I raised my eyebrow at him and he got back to his feet. His hand cupped my cheek and smiled again, this time it was a bit sad.

"Your body tensed up." He explained.

"I'm sorry?" I looked away, not wanting to meet his eyes.

He touched my chin and turned my face back to look at him. "Don't be. Just say the word, and we'll stop."

I exhaled slowly. "I want this, Tommy. I don't want to stop."

Tommy nodded and kissed me again. I lost myself in his kiss and let myself relax again. I wrapped my arms around his neck and closed the distance between us. His hands encircled my waist and made me feel safe. Parting for breath, I slid my hands into Tommy's waistband, signally to him I wanted his pants gone. With surprising quickness and grace, he got out of his pants, leaving us both in our underwear.

We shared a look and in unison stripped off the last of our clothes. It was then I realized that I had never been completely naked in front of him before. I looked down at my feet, feeling unsure and as shy as a teenager. He once again lifted my chin and looked down at me. There was a glow of happiness to his eyes as brought me against him and kissed me briefly.

"You are so beautiful." He whispered, "Never be ashamed of your body."

The feel of his hardness against me reinforced his words, which made me feel more confident. Tommy walked backwards again and sunk down onto my bed and pulled me down to him. I straddled his lap and looked down at him as I remained on my knees. My pausing allowed me to think clearly and I leaned over, Tommy's hands instantly holding my hips to keep me steady and opened the drawer to my nightstand. Since discussing having sex, I bought a box of condoms, just in case. I grabbed one out of the packet and leaned back over, so I was in my normal upright position.

Tommy took the condom from and put it on swiftly. His eyes met with mine and his eyes were so serious that I had to kiss him. When we broke apart, I started to lower myself, guided by his hands. I gasped softly as he entered me and shut my eyes tight as my body adjusted to fit him comfortably. A wave of fear engulfed me so suddenly that it left me drowning. I could see my attackers face against my closed eyes and I whimpered in fear.

"Jude!" Tommy commanded gently, "Open your eyes and looked at me."

I did and my panic didn't ease. His hands left my hips and touched my face, focusing my attention on him. The panic started to ease a fraction. Then he began to sing, very softly, as he ran his thumb over my lips. Tommy's hands traveled my body and his words became clear.

"Find me here

And Speak to me

I want to feel you

I need to heal you

You are the light

That's leading me

To the place

Where I find peace

Again?"

It was so romantic that I couldn?t think of anything else but him, of his voice and of words. His moved his hips and trust himself slowly into me and I gasped. I moved my hips with him and smiled as he kept singing.

"You are the strength

That keeps me walking

You are the hope

That keeps me trusting

You are the light

To my soul

You are my purpose

You're everything

And how can I stand here with you

And not be moved by you

Would you tell me how could it be

Any better than this?"

His hips picked up a steady rhythm and he stopped singing. The images of my attacker didn't come back. I cried in relief and joy. Tommy kissed away my tears and chuckled softly. He placed a few kisses along my collarbone and moved lower to my breast. I cried out as his mouth found my nipple and dug my fingers into his scalp.

The pleasure began to overwhelm me and I felt like I was on the brink of an orgasm. Tommy's mouth left my chest and found my mouth again. While my focus was preoccupied with kissing him and moving my hips, I lost track of his hands. I felt his hand creep up my upper thigh and brush against my clitoris. My hands gripped his back as my body rippled with an orgasm. I cried out, panting out his name. I felt his body release with mine and he grunted out my name.

I collapsed onto him and he collapsed backward onto the mattress. I couldn?t move, couldn't think of the longest time. All I could do was breath and listen to his heart as its rhythm went back to normal. His fingertips grazed up and down my back.

"How do you feel?" he asked me after some more time had passed.

"Mmm." Was I could manage.

He laughed slowly. "I take that as good.'

"Good." I said, forming my words slowly, "Fabulous...free."

As the word slipped from my tongue, I realized that it was true. I did feel free. I felt like a boulder sized burden had been lifted and I could breathe again. Instantly, I smiled. I was finally free, for now.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: "Everything" still belongs to Lifehouse.

* * *

When I woke up again, later that day, I found Tommy beside me, writing in a notebook. I sat up and leaned over, trying to read what he was writing. But as I leaned, he leaned, preventing me from getting a glimpse.

"Hey!" I pouted, "No fair."

"It is when it's a present."

He looked over at me and smiled. He tossed the notebook to the floor, facedown, and rolled over, catching me in his arms. I squeaked in surprise and laughed as he buried his face into my neck. Tommy sighed against my skin and I shivered. We lay entangled for a while, until I heard scratching and whining at the bedroom door. Tommy and I exchanged looks and eased out of our embrace. I grabbed my Tommy's t-shirt and slipped it on. I went to the door and opened it. Dodger bounded into the room, happy to be around people. I laughed.

"What's wrong, fat ass?" I asked him, giving him a hug, "Feeling lonely?"

He grunted in response and his tail thumping sadly against the carpet. Tommy knelt beside him, clad in his boxers, and scratched his head.

"Sorry about that, Buddy." He said to the dog, "Will a walk make up for it?"

Dodger smiled his doggy smile and his tail thumped quicker.

"Okay, Dodge." I said, getting to my feet, "Let us get dressed and we'll go."

The dog barked and bounded out of the room. I laughed and went to my dresser, pulling out a pair of well-worn jeans, a pair of panties, and a pair of socks. I put on the clothes and went into the bathroom to find Tommy brushing his teeth. I joined him, giving my teeth a good once over, then replaced my brush and looked at my reflection in the mirror. My hair, still blonde (only non-dyed, just natural), looked okay so I just brushed it and put it up in a high ponytail.

I left the bathroom and went into the living room, where Dodger was chewing happily on a squeaky toy. Without stopping his gnawing, his ears perked up in question.

"Not yet, but almost." I told him.

His ears went back down and I went to the coffee table, where I had set my "incognito" (Disturbed) Baseball hat and (Dior) sunglasses. I put them both on and was ready to go, minus shoes. As I found my shoes in the small foyer closet, Tommy exited the bedroom, dressed very similar to me. He too, was wearing a baseball hat and sunglasses and a pair of faded jeans and a t-shirt. The only real difference in our outfits was that, the shirt I was wearing of his was light gray, while his was red and his shoes were black and red Nike's.

I was pulling on my black converse, when Dodger came up to me, snuffling and knocked me over. He was so impatient sometimes. I finished putting on my shoes and grabbed Dodger's leash of its hook beside the door and put him on it. He barked happily and wagged his tail so hard his entire body moved.

"You ready?" I asked Tommy.

He grabbed the apartment key from its hook and pocketed it. "Yup."

We exited the apartment and locked the door behind us. We headed to the elevator and hit the down button. Dodger grunted, not happy with my decision.

"Dodge, we've been over this, we live on the top floor, I am not huffing down the stairs so you can dislocate my arm again."

* * *

After we took Dodger for a walk and returned him to our apartment, Tommy reluctantly left to go help Mason with his junior album. I called Kat and we met up at our favorite little café for lunch. We sat at a little table outside, enjoying the nice spring day.

"As much as I love this café, it still doesn't beat Paris." Kat sighed as she took a bite of her sandwich.

Kat had spent a few months in Paris after her designs hit the big time. Her clothing was worn by a bunch of celebrities besides me. Her biggest clientele included Jessica Alba, Kelly Osbourne, and Amy Lee. Her dresses had graced many red carpet premieres and she was officially a household name.

"Yeah, but it's conveniently across the way and not the ocean." I pointed out.

"True." Kat rested her chin in her hand as she studied my face, "You're glowing, girl. What did you do?"

"I had sex this morning with Tommy." I smiled wistfully, "It was wonderful."

Kat squealed in delight, but her best friend/sister instinct kicked in and a worried look made its way onto her face. "We're you okay? Did you have any flashbacks?"

"I started to, when he entered me, but he started singing and it calmed me down. And I was able to continue."

"He sang to you?" she said in awe, a slight smile on her lips, "That is so sweet…so romantic…you're so lucky."

"What? Jamie's never done anything romantic during sex?"

"No, but he did recite lines from _Robin Hood: Men in Tights_ once."

I threw back my head and laughed. "That sounds like Jamie."

"Yup. He's a regular romantic."

I took a sip from my cappuccino and swallowed. "I'm so happy, Kat."

She reached across the table and patted my hand. "You should be Jude, you deserve to be happy. You had something horrible happen to you and you deserve to be able to smile again…" Tears filled her eyes; "I've known that you've been pretending that you're happy for a long time, for our sakes, so it's a joy to see an actual smile on your face again."

"Oh, Kat." Tears filled my eyes, "You're making me cry."

"No, no!" she replied, wiping at her eyes quickly, "No tears, no sadness, this is a happy day!"

She beamed a smile at me that was contagious and I couldn't help but smile back at her.

"That's my girl." Kat said softly, "Hey, let's go see Quincy. I want to thank him for making you smile again."

"Okay." I finished the last sip of my coffee, "Let's go."

* * *

Kat and I walked arm-in-arm through the ever busy G Major. We made our way to the studios and I was surprised to find Tommy in the studio, singing. Mason, Speed, and Kwest were in the mixing room and looked over at us when we entered. The song hit my ears and tears stung my eyes as I realized what it was.

"Kat, Kat!" I cried softly, "It's the song. The one he sang to me!"

"Find me here

And Speak to me

I want to feel you

I need to heal you

You are the light

That's leading me

To the place

Where I find peace

Again…

You are the strength

That keeps me walking

You are the hope

That keeps me trusting

You are the light

To my soul

You are my purpose

You're everything

And how can I stand here with you

And not be moved by you

Would you tell me how could it be

Any better than this…"

The tears fell down my cheeks as I was overcome with happiness and love. The song was so beautiful and the music made it perfect.

"Yeah…

You calm the storms

And you give me rest

You hold me in your hands

You won't let me fall

You still my heart

And you take my breath away

Would you take me in

Take me deeper now

And how can I stand here with you

And not be moved by you

Would you tell me how could it be

Any better than this

And how can I stand here with you

And not be moved by you

Would you tell me how could it be

Any better than this

'Cuz you're all I want

You're all I need

You're everything

Everything

You're all I want

You're all I need

You're everything

Everything

You're all I need

You're everything

Everything

You're all I want

You're all I need

You're everything

You're everything

You're all I need

You're everything

You're everything

You're all I want

You're all I need

You're everything

You're everything

And how can I stand here with you

And not be moved by you

Would you tell me how could it be

Any better than this

And how can I stand here with you

And not be moved by you

Would you tell me how could it be

Any better

Any better than this…

Would tell me how could it be

Any better than this?

I looked down at Kat, who was full out sobbing.

"That was so beautiful!" she said in between loud sobs, "I didn't think it would be that romantic."

I laughed and hugged her close. She sighed and dried her tears.

"I'm so glad that he's taking good care of you. I couldn't ask for more." She then went to the door that divided the studio and burst in.

Speed came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist and gave me a light kiss on the top of my head as we watched Kat and Tommy interact.

"Hey, Kat." Tommy greeted her as he removed the earphones from his ears, "What are you doing here?"

Kat didn't reply. She jumped into his arms and hugged him close.

"Kat, Kat!" Tommy cried, "You're choking me!"

Kat loosened her hold a little bit.

"Thank you, Quincy." She said.

He looked puzzled. "For what, shortie?"

"Taking care of Jude and making her smile again. You have no idea what that means to me."

Tommy chuckled softly and hugged her back.

"I would do anything for her. She's my life. I love her, Kat."

That was my cue. I gave Speed a quick kiss on the cheek and slipped out of his arms. I entered the room and smiled at Tommy, who looked surprised.

"I take it you heard the song." He said.

"Yeah…Tommy that was…you're…"

"I know." He smiled.

Kat hopped down off of Tommy and gave us some room. I went into his arms and rested my head on his chest. He rested his chin on my head.

"That was my gift to you." He said softly.

I lifted my head and looked up into his eyes. I raised myself up onto my tiptoes and kissed him. When we broke apart, I rested my forehead against his and sighed in contentment. Kwest, Speed, Kat, and Mason all coming over the intercom and catcalling loudly ruined our beautiful moment. Tommy laughed softly and rested his forehead on my shoulder.

"I love you, Tommy." I whispered.

"I love you too, Jude." He replied.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six  
**A Few (More) Weeks Later**

* * *

Author's Note: _Thank you to all my loyal reviewers. I'm glad that you've like this story. _

* * *

I walked to my apartment, singing a song a long time family friend had written for me (and sang it in dedication), as I got out my keys.

"This girl's walked through fire and ice but I've come out on the other side of paradise, paradi---!" my singing was cut short when I unlocked my door and stepped inside my apartment.

My apartment was dark, besides the candles that were lit and spread out around various surfaces. The candlelight gave the room an intimate atmosphere. Tommy was leaning against the fireplace mantel, Dodger at his side, clad in a birthday hat. Dodger greeted me with a soft woof and a whimper.

"What did Tommy do to you?" I asked my dog as I walked over and took the hat off of his head and hugged him.

"That was his idea." Tommy insisted with a smile.

"And what about the atmosphere?" I asked, standing, "Was that his idea too?"

Tommy took me into his arms, his hand touching my cheek. "No, that was all me."

He kissed me passionately and I melted into him. I usually had that reaction when he kissed me. Dodger grunted and left the room. When we parted, I raised one eyebrow.

"What is all of this, Tommy? My birthday isn't until tomorrow."

"I know it is, but I probably won't get you to myself tomorrow, so I decided to celebrate early."

"That works for me."

"I thought it would." He reached behind him on the mantel and grabbed at box that rested there, "Happy Birthday, Jude."

He handed me the box and I took it with shaking hands. It was the size of a ring box. But many things could fit in a ring box. So, I opened the box and stared at the most beautiful ring band. It had a simple and silver edging sandwiching diamond encrusted stars. I removed the ring from its tell-tale Tiffany and Co. box. I noticed that there was an inscription on the inside of the band. But, unfortunately, romantic lighting was horrible reading light. Tommy took the box from my hand and set it back up on the mantel. He then took the ring from my fingers and held it between us.

"My Strength. My Love. My Heart. My Soul. Always." He spoke the words without taking his eyes from mine.

Tommy slipped the ring onto my ring finger and held my hand in his. Tears filled my eyes and I felt my lower lip tremble. He chuckled softly and kissed my trembling lip, stilling it instantly. The tears fell from my eyes and he wiped them away gently. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him again, simply needing his lips on mine.  
The next thing I knew, he was lowering me to the floor, my back settling on my plush, soft carpet. My heart raced, but not in panic; anticipation made its way through me and my sex drive took control. We made love on the floor, for the first time, in the missionary position and I didn't panic once.

* * *

The next morning, I was awoke at the ass crack of dawn by my phone ringing. I knew it was Kat, Jamie, Speed, or Sadie, so I groaned unhappily and groped around blindly for the phone. Tommy beat me to it. He snatched up the phone and yelled into the receiver:

"WE DON'T WANT ANY! GOOD-BYE AND GOOD-NIGHT!"

He hung up the phone and turned off the ringer. Tommy rolled over and brought me to him.

"Your dad says 'happy birthday.'"

I snorted and held in my laughter as best I could. Tommy groaned.

"That's…not…funny."

"You do realize that my dad's gonna be pissed when he sees you later, right?"

"Yup. But it was worth it."

* * *

Tommy and I decided about one-thirty that it was a good time to get out of bed. Well, sort of. We woke up, but we stayed in bed, fooling around and watching TV. After a while, I reluctantly got out of bed and went into my bathroom to shower. I half-expected Tommy to join me, but got slightly suspicious when he didn't even walk into the bathroom. I got out of the shower, wrapped myself in a towel, and went back into the bedroom to see just what my boyfriend was up to.  
My boyfriend was still in bed, reading one of my self-help books. He didn't even look up from The Rape Recovery Handbook when I walked over to my bed and sat down by his feet.

"Why are you reading that, Tommy?" I asked softly.

"It helps me understand better." He replied simply.

"That's the goal of a self help book." I said with a smile.

He put down the book but revealed that he was holding a paper. My messy scrawl was visible through the paper and I realized what it was. It was a list I had made for myself for my recovery process. I knew the list by heart and knew I had completed all but one task. Revisiting the scene. That was my last step. My goal was that if I went to the scene, I would be able to look at the spot and declare, "Yes, I was raped. On that spot on the dirty ground, I lost a part of my life. But as I stand here now, I know that it was not the end of my life. Because of the attack, I have changed and in the end, it was for the better. I am alive. And I have survived." (That was all written out on the paper.)  
I hadn't been able to bring myself to revisit the scene yet. I hadn't been ready. But now, I think I could. Tommy was to thank for that, for the most part. He was the one who made me live again. I took the paper from him and put it down on the bed. I crawl on top of him and lay down across his body. I listened to his heartbeat as he stroked my hair.

"I'm ready, Tommy." I whispered firmly.

"Are you absolutely sure?"

"Yes. And I want you to come with me."

"Are you---?"

"Tommy!"

He laughed. "I'm just making sure, Jude. I don't want you to do anything you're not ready for."

"Tommy, I'm ready for this. And it's all thanks to you."

He remained silent, unable to think of anything to say (I think). Which was okay. We understood each other well enough that sometimes words just got in the way.

* * *

It was time to party! My birthday party was yet again held at G Major, like it had been since I turned sixteen. Speed brought his new girlfriend Alexia. She was as cute as Kat (and just as short) and as pale as Patsy. Her personality complimented Speed, which was kind of scary, seeing as she was the female version of him. She was as crazy as he was. But she made him smile, which made me happy. When I made my grand entrance, I found them already on the "dance floor", dancing like dorks. I hugged them both and moved on to mingle some more. I found Sadie with Kwest, who she had started dating five years ago. My mom was at the bar, talking with her latest boyfriend. Tommy was standing with my dad and they were both looking awkward.

"Hi, Dad!" I said cheerfully, "Hi, boyfriend!"

Their awkward moment was dissolved and they both laughed. I hugged my dad and then went to Tommy and wrapped my arm around his waist.

"How are you, Jude?" My Dad asked in his very best dad tone.

"Better than I've been in a long time, thanks to Tommy." I replied.

My dad's face got a suspicious look to it. "What did he do?"

"He loved me, Dad, he loved me."

My dad smiled. "Good." His gazed fixed on Tommy, "You take care of my baby girl."

"Always." Tommy replied.

I nudged Tommy and turned him in the direction of the dance floor.

"See you later, Dad!" I called over my shoulder as we walked away.

On the dance floor, the DJ (aka: Kwest) put on "Everything" (aka: Tommy's song for me). Tommy pulled me close and we swayed to the gentle music. Kat and Jamie appeared beside us. Kat and I exchanged contented looks, happy to be in our men's arms.  
As time passed, there was cake, ice cream, and gifts. The non-close guests thinned out, leaving me with my closest friends and few family members. When the opportunity presented itself, Tommy and I slipped away. We walked hand-in-hand through the studio and to the back door that led to the alley. I paused outside the door and Tommy squeezed my hand.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" He asked again.

"Yes. I just need a minute." I answered and exhaled slowly.

I counted slowly in my head to ten, then opened the door and stepped out into the alley, with Tommy at my side. My heart pounded as we walked down the alley. My heartbeat pounded loudly in my ears, as we got closer to the spot. I halted when we stood at the exact location. Tommy didn't say anything; he just held my hand, being the support at my back. I recited what I had written in my head over and over: "Yes, I was raped. On that spot on the dirty ground, I lost a part of my life. But as I stand here now, I know that it was not the end of my life. Because of the attack, I have changed and in the end, it was for the better. I am alive. And I have survived." But as I tried to speak the words, my voice failed me.  
Tommy's arms encircled my waist and he held me tight. His breath was against my ear and his voice was soft as he whispered:

"You don't have to say it. Just being here…is what your words stand for."

I nodded as tears stung my eyes. But I couldn't leave until I at least said one thing.

"I am alive." I whispered, "And I have survived."

Tommy kissed my forehead and steered me out of the alley._ I have survived._ I closed my eyes and exhaled slowly. _I am alive._


	7. Chapter 7

Thank you for all those who reviewed, you guys **rock!** I hope you enjoy the last chapter...

**Author's Note:_ Warning! This chapter contains another graphic sex scene, PLEASE read at your own risk. Thank you:)_**

* * *

Epilogue

9 Months Later

"I AM NEVER HAVING SEX WITH YOU AGAIN!" I screamed at Tommy as I tried to ignore the blinding pain I was in.

"Hush, love," my husband said with an amused smile, "and keep pushing."

"YOU TRY PUSHING SOMETHING THE SIZE OF A WATERMELLON OUT OF YOUR _PENIS_ AND THEN WE'LL TALK!" I yelled again.

Tommy sighed wistfully and stroked my hair as I squeezed his hand as tight as I possibly could. The doctor between my legs peaked up at me over my hospital gown.

"Keep pushing, Jude." She ordered, "The head is crowning."

"Argh!" I grunted as I pushed as hard as I could.

After what seemed like eternity, I heard a piercing screech and the doctor announcing:

"It's a girl!"

"Aww. Listen to those lungs." Tommy mused, "Just like her mother."

"If I wasn't feeling so weak, I'd hit you." I told him, sagging with tiredness.

Tommy leaned down and kissed my forehead.

"You're so wonderful." He whispered.

"Of course I am." I replied, "Look at what I was able to pass through me."

"The joys of being a woman."

"Damn straight."

"Well, here she is, mom!" The doctor walked over to me, holding my squealing pink-tinted daughter.

She placed her in my arms and my own blue/green eyes stared back at me.

"Hi, there. Hi." I murmured, "I'm your mommy. And the guy mooning at us is your daddy, yes he is."

"What are we going to name her?" Tommy asked as he held out his index finger to our baby.

The tiny infant in my arms grabbed onto his finger and held on tight. I felt my throat tighten and I swallowed down the lump that had formed.

"Arisa." I said when I could speak again.

"Arisa?" he asked.

"In memory of Arisa Parker." I said, "The one victim that didn't make it."

Arisa had been the victim before me. Our attacker had caused her such severe head trauma that she later died from her injuries. Every year, Phoebe, the other women, and I met at her grave and lit a candle in her memory.

"That's a beautiful name." Tommy whispered.

"Yes." I sighed, "Now what about her middle name?"

"Arisa Josephine?"

"Josephine?" I asked.

"For my grandma." Tommy said, "My only relative that ever showed support in my career, God bless her soul."

I smiled. "Sounds perfect."

I ran my finger up and down across my baby's cheek and she yawned.

"Well, Arisa Josephine Harrison-Quincy, you're going to have fun learning how to spell your name." I told her.

She sneezed in response and blinked her big eyes at me. Then her eyes closed and she rested her head against my chest. She was so beautiful. I felt tears sting my eyes as I looked up at my husband. He smiled down at me and kissed me tenderly.

Our peaceful, wonderful moment was ruined by Kat, Speed, Jamie, Sadie, Kwest, Wally, Kyle, and my parents bursting into the room. Chaos ensued for the next fifteen minutes. Kat, Sadie, and my mom were all crying. My dad was snapping away pictures. Speed and the SME boys were having a massive group hug with Jamie. And Kwest clapped Tommy on the shoulder and smiled at him with brotherly pride.

I looked around at all my family and friends and I finally felt at peace. Tears fell down my cheeks and Tommy kissed one side of my head and Kat kissed the other. Arisa squeaked in my arms and I knew that it was finally over. I placed a soft kiss on her forehead and I felt reborn. Arisa and Tommy had given me my life back and I would live it to its fullest.

"Thank you." I whispered quietly.

No body in the room noticed, except for Tommy. He sat down beside me on the bed and touched my face.

"You're welcome." He replied in the same hushed tone.

We kissed passionately, inevitably drawing everyone's attention to us. My dad snapped a picture, while everyone else applauded. I parted from him and laughed, resting my forehead against his. Life was marvelous.

* * *

A few nights later, I laid Arisa in her cradle, and turned on her mobile. It played a melodic, polyphonic version of Tommy's song "Everything." I watched my daughter as she yawned a cute little baby yawn and closed her eyes, falling asleep almost instantly. I turned around and saw Tommy in the doorway, watching me. I smiled at him and crossed the room.

He took me into his arms and walked with me out of the nursery. We walked the length of the hallway to our room and went inside. I stripped out of my clothes and caught a glimpse of my somewhat naked body in the mirror.

"Look at me!" I wailed quietly, "I'm a frickin' hippo!"

"No, you are _not_ a hippo." Tommy said, shaking his head, "You're beautiful."

"Says you." I grumbled, "Mirrors don't lie!"

Tommy walked over to me and covered my mouth with his hand, stopping me from further protests. His other hand encircled my waist and pulled me against him. He then removed his hand from my mouth and replaced it with his lips. He kissed me until I was breathless. If his kiss didn't prove his thoughts, I felt him get hard and strain against his boxers. I raised my eyebrow at him and he smiled down at me wickedly. His intentions got clearer when he hug/walked us backward to the bed.

We were momentarily forced to pause as I noticed Dodger sprawling across the middle of our large bed. He lifted his head and looked at us.

"Dodge," I said, "If you don't want to be scarred for life, I'd get up asap."

Dodger grunted and hopped off the bed and headed out of the bedroom. _Smart dog_. With the bed clear, Tommy guided me down onto it. We kissed again and I saw an opportunity to take control and took it. I rolled, moving him with me, so I was on top. Tommy also saw that as the perfect opportunity to get me out of the rest of my clothes. My bra ended up across the room and my panties joined a minute later.

"You're overdressed." I stated when we broke apart.

"You're right." Tommy replied, contorting slightly and stripping off his boxers and tossing them.

I laughed as he sat up and put in me the almost perfect position. Then, as I looked into his eyes, seriousness overcame me. This was the exact same position we were in when we first had sex. As I reflected on that, I got the severe feeling of déjà vu when I leaned over to the nightstand and got a condom out of the top drawer. Tommy gave me an odd look as I handed him the condom.

"I don't want Arisa to be a sister any time soon." I told him.

"Well, what happened with 'I'm never having sex with you again'?" he replied.

"You should know better than to take me seriously when I've been drugged and am pushing a baby out of me." I grinned, "Plus, I'd miss it."

"Women." Tommy joked, raising his eyes to the ceiling.

"Shut up and make love to me!" I cried, snatching the condom out of his hand and putting it on him myself.

He laughed. "I love hearing those words."

"What? Shut up?"

"No, make love to me."

"Oh." My voice quivered as he slid himself inside me, "Mmm."

Our rhythm started out slow but built faster as time ticked by. His hands and lips were all over my body as I rode him, adding to the pleasure that was beginning to overwhelm me. I felt Tommy's hips begin to falter in their steady rhythm, signaling he was close. I sought out his lips as I felt the brush of an orgasm spreading through my body.

My body tightened around his and he drank the sounds from my lips as my orgasm washed over me, causing his release as well. We broke apart, spent and panting. We collapsed backward onto the bed. I shivered as the cool night air mixed with the sweat that beaded across my skin. I sighed in contentment and Tommy kissed the top of my hair.

We lay, still entangled, for the longest time. A smile crept across my lips and Tommy traced it with his thumb. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the safety and freedom I had in his arms. This was where I belonged. This was where life made sense. I had a husband that loved me and gave me the most beautiful daughter, who would know nothing but love. And I knew and felt it in my soul that I was finally and truly free.

The End


End file.
